Summer Rain

When it rains it pours, as they say. 

These past few weeks have been strange and difficult in ways I had not predicted.  Again my family has continued issues, but hopefully resolution is coming.  In a way our lives will always had a scar but in my experience scars show you have actually had experiences and gotten to feel life a little bit.  And they serve as a reminder that life is not always kind. 

I am a bartender/cook and an IT assistant.  Two jobs.  Two kind of crappy jobs. Steps is how I see them.  Merely rungs on a ladder.  I owe a lot of money and no task is truly below me.  Trouble is I ought to be putting my time in elsewhere.  I ought to be picking out grad schools.  I ought to be building a portfolio or working in a lab or writing my own research.  Not worrying about next months rent. 

So at least within reason, I am going to keep working.  But the struggle is mental.  I am struck repeatedly each day with the gravity of my family's flaws and the inadequacies that I may possess. 

I feel like I am smart enough to do science... but my skill is more in design.  I need to show myself and other people that that is where my skill is.  I know art, architecture, and design is something I can do... I just need to get out and DO it

Mental note: Anish Kapoor

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

There are many themes from this book that people growing up in America can relate to, of that I am certain.  In some ways the story about Charlie and his friends can be summed up by quoting Sam's monologue in the last letter before the epilogue:

"So tomorrow, I'm leaving.  And I'm not going to let that happen again with anyone else. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going the be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. But right now I'm here with you. And I want to know where you are, what you need, and what you want to do."

Charlie writes to us, the readers.  He trusts us as listeners and as people who don't "try to sleep with people even though you could have."  I won't go into much detail about the book, but I wish I had read it in high school.  I wish I would have read it my freshman year of high school.  I found myself thinking, throughout the story, that I had had a teacher who was like Bill.  Maybe things could have gone differently.  But then again, as Charlie astutely points out in the epilogue, as he comes to understand himself and really "be there"  : 

"We don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."

Dear Charlie,

Thanks.

Love always,
Dan

Up next:  After 21 years of my life, I am going to read On the Road... and I hope it doesn't ruin me.

On Top of a Mountain

Electricity flows through my fingertips and a tangible vibration resolves inside me. A blank page, a pencil, laying my hands on a keyboard to type, even picking up my harmonica from time to time, definitely when I get on my bike in the mornings. There is an energy in the world, what ever you believe in, there is a tangible Force that may be man-made or not, but I have felt it.

The potential outcome of every day is unknown. The story that makes up our lives is constantly unraveling, it is the law of the universe for things to tend towards disorder, it takes immense amounts of energy to reverse that reaction. Use it, benefit from the disorder. Once you learn to do that who knows where you will go.

Finals week is here, I anticipate a lot of work, hopefully with good results. I also am thinking about the summer. I am already desperately in need of a change of scene, but prudence says to not spend the money and to go back to St. Louis seems dangerous. St. Louis may be where some of my friends are, and my family is, but there is nothing but a guest room at my Aunt's house and not any way for me to get work done. Maybe I'm being childish, should I have just gone home for the first time since college started and lived with my messed up family? I don't know...

To focus the theme of this post, to reign in this jumbling rant. Disorder is the subject here. There are millions of opportunities every day. Some people have some sort of path in front of them. A logical stair step towards some goal. I feel like my goals are at different peaks of separate mountain ranges and I only have my bare hands. Over dramatic? Very.

Just got to tuck in and keep going.


Workshops filled with experiments
Music
Paintings
Solar Panels
Science Journalism?
Peace Corp
Grad School
Design School?

I'm glad no one reads this, posting it seems narcissistic...

"All truth is one. In this light may science and religion labor here together for the steady evolution of mankind from darkness to light; from prejudice to tolerance; from narrowness to broadmindedness.

New occasions teach new duties; Time makes ancient good uncouth; They must upward still and onward Who would keep abreast with truth.

How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! And to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!

I am the voice of life; I call you: Come and learn."

- Inscribed upon the Hayes Hall Tower Clock Bells at University of Buffalo

I see myself embodying the life of a scientist, an adventurer, a designer, maybe an engineer, and hopefully that of a teacher. There is so much to do!

Inspiration: www.ted.com

You Have Nothing To Lose

All external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Steve Jobs

Thanks Mr. Jobs. Thanks for shaking the bucket, stirring the pot, thanks for reminding people to live their own lives.

Another Fresh Start...

Life is an incredible adventure, with new turns and exciting twists, and no sure way to see them coming at you. I am certain that things will ultimately work out for the best, but the world today just seem a little crazier than it did yesterday and surely will be further derailed by tomorrow...

Well, I don't know about that, but it sounds kind of dramatic. Seriously though, I am new this whole blogging thing. I want to try to maintain a place to post thing I see and do, as well as what I am working on. Also, if I ever figure out this website, maybe I can learn something from other people ( a shot in the dark).

such a good student...